May 2 2012

Mediocre Fight of the Day: Me vs Pop Culture

Paul

The entire band has been pretty busy of late, so apologies for not having more updates recently.  I’ll try to get around to posting more often, but this post might also serve as an indication of why I haven’t been posting more.

Recently I’ve been flying out to Northwest Arkansas every week for my day job.  In this day and age where technology rules our lives, you’d think that I’d be able to stay connected and keep up to date no matter where I am.  For some reason, though, Arkansas seems to be a black hole of culture.  As such, I’ve been sorely out of touch with anything not related to corn fields, cowboy hats and intolerance.

So today my friend asks me if I’ve seen the “Kate Upton cat daddy video.”  Obviously I have not, and wondered to myself why British royalty was making a video about feline ancestry.  I googled the video and found that it had been pulled from YouTube for being too risque.  Further intrigued, I found another version of the out on the interwebs.  If you haven’t seen it, let’s just say I was a little more than mistaken about the content.  The video was somewhat… bouncier… and had less royalty than I was expecting.

If you’re looking for a video of Kate Middleton, who is most certainly not Kate Upton, here’s a video of her wedding dress zomgbestweddingevar

 

 

However if for some reason you want to see the Kate Upton video, here ya go:
 

 

Wow.

As always, if YOU have a mediocre fight you’d like to see contact us any way your little heart desires.  Leave a comment here, tweet us @MediocreFight, find us on Facebook, shoot us an e-mail at The Mediocre Fight, or … actually let me get back to you on that.  I’m going to go do some more research on this video.

 


Dec 8 2011

Mediocre Fight of the Day: Julian vs Nerdiness

Paul

Well now that we’re done with album stuff for the most part, I’d say it’s time to bring back the Mediocre Fights of the Day!  And today’s fight is another one that’s about someone you probably don’t know.  Don’t like it?  Start your own blog!  I hear “The Mediocre Flight” is available as a blog name, and we’ve already given you some free promotion!

Here’s the subject of today’s Mediocre Fight.

This is Julian.  Julian’s what’s known as in the entertainment biz as “A good looking dude.”

Julian aka Tall Mocha

I can’t name a single female friend of mine who doesn’t want a slice of that action.  Wait, I’ve got a better one… I can’t name a single female friend of mine who does’t want a hot cup of Mocha.  Mmm, mocha.  Brb, now I want coffee.

*********

Okay I’m back, and let me just say this cup of Peppermint Mocha from the cafe next door is quite delicious!  Okay where was I…. Oh yeah!  So Julian’s a good looking dude.   He’s a funny, charming guy who plays basketball and can actually dance.

Julian's weird, mutant 8 pack

Help us raise money for Hyperabdominalism

Also, he’s got some kind of rare disease where he’s born with extra abdominal muscles.  At least, I can only assume it’s a rare disease because he’s got roughly an 8-10 pack.  Anyways before this gets weird let me continue with my story.

I met Julian in college, which is where I discovered that this guy is one huge nerd.  We used to live in an apartment with 3 other guys, and our rooms had an adjoining bathroom between them.  We used to have weekend-long gaming sessions where we would lock the door to the hallway so we couldn’t be disturbed, and then switch off which room we were playing videogames in.  I think the weekend I saw Julian the happiest was when he moved his TV and gaming system so he could game from his bed.  So yeah, you definitely wouldn’t know it when you first met him but dude’s a nerd.

That’s not why I’m making this Mediocre Fight, though.  Lots of surprising people can turn out to be nerds.  Hell, Mila Kunis plays World of Warcraft.  Don’t believe me?  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mI8WT3lVe80  Yeaaaah, I’d marry her in a heartbeat.

No, the reason I’m making the fight today is because Julian was able to actually shock me with his level of nerdiness.  A few months ago he called me up and said “Hey man, do you want to come with me to go get my Magic cards appraised?”  Yeah, Magic: The Gathering.  Apparently he had been doing research online and had like thousands of dollars worth of cards.  Which surprised the hell out of me, because I actually collected Magic cards too when I was a kid and definitely didn’t have any super rare cards.  In fact, last time I was back home visiting my parents I dug up my card collection.  Which fits nicely in one small little binder, pictured here.

Yeah, that's a Vesuvan Doppleganger. NBD.

 

So I tell him sure, and later that day go meet him so we can head out to a comic shop in the suburbs.  Now, this is about the time I start to realize that his level of nerdiness eclipses mine.  When I get to his apartment, he’s got a color coded sheet of paper in his hand.  Apparently he made an excel spreadsheet with the price of every one of his cards, broken out by the condition of the card.  Giggling, I snapped some photos for proof.

A nerd, armed with a spreadsheet

And that’s when he asked me “Which box do you want to grab?”  Remember that little binderI showed you, which contains all of my cards?  Julian has entire BOXES full of cards.  Again, while giggling, I had to document this.

My God...

After I was able to compose myself, we were off to Niles, IL.  At this point the number of photographs I took tapers off dramatically, because for the rest of the day I was basically stunned.  It takes us a while to find the comic shop because it basically looks like an empty storefront.  Julian starts to become concerned that he’s being lured into a trap and we’ll be jumped as soon as we walk into this sketchy “comic shop,” but we figure they’re probably also nerds and we’d be able to take them.

We walk into the tiny shop in the corner of the strip mall, and immediately stop.  Expecting a tiny shop, we’re faced with a giant warehouse filled with row upon row of tables filled with other nerds playing Magic: The Gathering.   We look at each other, and you can tell that while we both feel unclean, somehow this also feels *right*.  That feeling quickly subsides as our situation starts to sink in.  We’re in the suburbs, in a warehouse/comic shop, where they’re holding a tournament for people playing Magic: The Gathering, while holding boxes full of cards.  For the next 10 minutes while we wait for someone to take a look at Julian’s cards we both just keep repeating in various ways “This is the nerdiest thing I have ever done in my life.”

Shortly the store manager comes and sits down with us.  The guy looks EXACTLY like the Comic Book Store guy from The Simpsons, but he’s sitting right next to me so I couldn’t take pictures of him.  Instead, I took a picture of Julian waiting patiently to talk shop.

Until this point I was able to handle the extreme nerdiness of the day because there was a sense of “Alright, we’re in this together.”  That feeling quickly turned into “I don’t belong here” as soon as Julian and the manager started talking.  Most of their conversation went over my head because everything they were saying sounded like gibberish.  ”Oh yeah, I’m just missing the Crankshaft of Embiggening from my Super Obscure set.  Oh, the Everlasting Virginity?  Yeah man, that was the last card I needed for my set.  Oh weird, what’s this set of Star Wars cards doing in here.”  It was the most surreal thing I have ever witnessed, and I don’t think I can ever look at Julian the same way.

Julian still hasn’t actually sold the cards yet, so now we’re planning a road trip to Seattle to visit a bigger comic shop.  Apparently there’s a bar in the basement, so while Julian nerds out I can drink away the awkwardness.

 

 

As always, if YOU have a mediocre fight you’d like to see contact us any way your little heart desires.  Leave a comment here, tweet us @MediocreFight, find us on Facebook, shoot us an e-mail at The Mediocre Fight, or have a friend who is too nerdy for words.   Although I guess this isn’t too nerdy for words if I just wrote 1000 words on the subject….

 

 


Aug 18 2011

Mediocre Fight of the Day (2): Michele Bachmann vs Crazy Eyes

Paul

As promised, here’s the second Mediocre Fight of the Day.  This one features Republican presidential front-runner, and Congresswoman from my home state of MN, Michele Bachmann.  It also features her crazy-ass eyes.  I mean, look at this – this is a completely undoctored photo of her.

It’s like she’s staring into my soul.  Actually no, it’s like she’s trying to forcibly tear my soul from my body with her mind.  I don’t know which of her publicists gave the green-light for this magazine cover, but wow.  I decided to take a stab at photoshopping her to actually make her look sane, and did a pretty good job of it.  Then I realized photoshopped pictures making people look normal aren’t very entertaining, so I went ahead and made an animated gif out of it instead.

I apologize to anyone I inadvertently hypnotized with this image.

 

Now, Minnesota is no stranger to lunatics in office.  We did elect Jesse “The Body” Ventura as our governor once, if you’ll recall.  But Bachmann has her own special brand of crazy, as evidenced by some of her quotes:

“I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970s that the swine flu broke out under another, then under another Democrat president, Jimmy Carter. I’m not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it’s an interesting coincidence.” -Rep. Michele Bachmann, on the 1976 Swine Flu outbreak that happened when Gerald Ford, a Republican, was president
“Carbon dioxide is portrayed as harmful. But there isn’t even one study that can be produced that shows that carbon dioxide is a harmful gas.”
“If we took away the minimum wage — if conceivably it was gone — we could potentially virtually wipe out unemployment completely because we would be able to offer jobs at whatever level.”
Ok you know, in all fairness maybe she’s not crazy.  She could just be another idiot.  As Sarah Palin has demonstrated, being an outspoken woman politician with minimal intelligence can actually be quite lucrative.  So maybe she’s actually a financial genius?
Oh, and if you need any more evidence that Michele’s PR people should probably be fired, I leave you with this last image:
I mean, wow.  There are no words.  Again, not a doctored photo.
As always, if YOU have a mediocre fight you’d like to see contact us any way your little heart desires.  Leave a comment here, tweet us @MediocreFight, find us on Facebook, shoot us an e-mail at The Mediocre Fight, or have some crazy-ass eyes, run for President, and fellate a corndog.

 


Aug 18 2011

Mediocre Fight of the Day: Bagel Holes vs Cream Cheese

Paul

Okay, seriously, when I said yesterday that the Mediocre Fights I was doing today were going to be mediocre, I was not kidding.  The first MF we have today is Bagel Holes vs Cream Cheese.  Yeah, that’s right.  This one definitely belongs firmly in the “White People Problems” category.  Apologies to Julie for talking about white creamy things again.

So today’s fight refers to the black hole of spread that is the hole in the middle of a bagel.  No matter how carefully you’re spreading the cream cheese or sandwich topping, you’re going to get way more spread in that freaking little hole than you want.  Then you’re either going to have a giant gob of cream cheese sneak attack your hand while you’re eating, or you’re going to end up with a giant mouthful of surprise cream cheese.  Sandwiches fare no better – you might think you’re clever and start with a flat base of cheese or meat, but whatever condiment you add on top is going to migrate directly to the middle of the bagel, and boom, condiment explosion.

On another note, I’d like to take a moment to write an open letter to food manufacturers.

Dear Food Manufacturers,

Settle the fuck down.  Yes, we understand you’re trying to find new ways to get our money as consumers, but this is getting ridiculous.  Salmon Cream Cheese?

What. The. Hell.

What is the point of this?  Now I love bagels and lox, but I actually use lox.  What, is this for someone who loves salmon so much that the salmon alone isn’t enough salmon-y flavor?  Or is this for people who want it to taste like they have salmon, but don’t want to buy salmon?  That’s ridiculous.  Like I said I love bagels with cream cheese and salmon, but bagels with salmon cream cheese is an abomination.  Please stop, go back to your good food, and just continue to make it good.

 

Alright now that that’s out of the way, here’s your mediocre fight.  And not gonna lie, the entire time I was writing this I was shaking my head thinking “I can’t believe I’m writing about this.”  But instead of doing what a real write would do and go back to the drawing board, I slapped this shit up on the internet!  Enjoy!

 

 

 

As always, if YOU have a mediocre fight you’d like to see contact us any way your little heart desires.  Leave a comment here, tweet us @MediocreFight, find us on Facebook, shoot us an e-mail at The Mediocre Fight, or find a way to always make a bagel where the hole in the middle is too tiny for toppings to get trapped.  Please.

 


Jul 7 2011

Mediocre Fight of the Day: Paul vs Coffee Tables

Paul

Before I made this post I had to make sure to give my mom a call since I know she reads this blog.  ”Alright, so you’re going to read about an… incident, but I want to assure you I’m okay and there’s no reason to worry.”  As a kid I was very reckless (I’ve broken an arm on 5 separate occasions), and I’m sure my mom was continually looking forward to a time when I’d grow up, mature, and start looking out for myself.  Well, apparently at 27 I still haven’t reached that point.

This past weekend my roommate and I threw a “JORTh of July” party, because honestly, what’s more patriotic than jean shorts?  (More on that later)  Since it was so insanely hot outside this weekend, we also decided to have some water balloons and super soakers on hand.  Here’s where the bad decision making comes in – remember when your mom used to tell you “No squirt guns in the house!”?  Well, we kind of ignored this sage advice, and I unfortunately learned the hard way that water is a bad thing on hardwood floors.  While running around like a jackass with the squirt gun, I managed to slip in a puddle, my feet shooting out from under me, and fall hard.  On our coffee table.  That has a glass top.  Thankfully I only hit my elbow and mostly got the side of the table so I didn’t get too badly injured, but here’s some of the aftermath:

Those are my bruised ribs, and my bruised and cut elbow.  So the moral of the story is: listen to your mother.  Even when you’re an adult, the advice she gave you as a kid still stands.  And yes, that is actually a photo of me from 6th grade.  I was a real ladykiller.

 

 

As always, if YOU have a mediocre fight you’d like to see contact us any way your little heart desires.  Leave a comment here, tweet us @MediocreFight, find us on Facebook, shoot us an e-mail at The Mediocre Fight, or injure yourself while acting like an idiot.

 


Jun 16 2011

Mediocre Fight of the Day: Anthony Weiner vs Good Judgement

Paul

ZOMG, it’s a new Mediocre Fight!  I figured a good return would be commemorating the day the guy named Weiner resigned for showing his wiener (Yes, those are spelled differently.  Haven’t you heard that old grammar rule, “I before E except after C, or when you’re talking about that politician that showed his junk on the internet?”)  When I first heard about this story, the first thing I thought of was this:

 

The second thing I thought was “Shit, I used the ‘Wiener vs Wiener‘ Mediocre Fight on the entirely wrong wiener battle.  Anyways, this post is specifically about the whole Anthony Weiner kerfuffle (that’s such an awesome word), but can really be extended to all celebrities who take risque photos of themselves and send them to people.  I’m looking at you, Vanessa Hudgens.  And Blake Lively.  And Chris Brown.  And Pete Wentz.  And Paris Hilton.  And Cloris Leachman.  Actually that last one isn’t real, but you get the picture.  There’s a lot of stupid celebrities out there who are suddenly shocked when their photos get leaked all over the internet.  I mean come on, what are you thinking? You’re famous, those photos WILL get out.  And it’s one thing if you’re a rock star or movie star or something along those lines, but when your job description has anything about “ethics” or “propriety” in it you should probably keep your naughty bits as far away from any camera as possible.  And Twitter?  You’re going to send them through TWITTER?  Obviously politicians don’t always resign because of sex scandals, but you should definitely resign if you’re stupid enough to post your sex scandal publicly on Twitter.  I don’t want people who make choices like that deciding the future of this country.

Also, I mean, his name is Weiner.  C’mon.

 

 

As always, if YOU have a mediocre fight you’d like to see contact us any way your little heart desires.  Leave a comment here, tweet us @MediocreFight, find us on Facebook, shoot us an e-mail at The Mediocre Fight, or post semi-nude photos of yourself on the internet.

 


May 11 2011

Mediocre Fight of the Day: Monkeys vs Alcohol

The Mediocre Fight

What’s the deal, monkeys?  You already fling your poop anywhere you please, you’re always naked, and I’m pretty sure you don’t need to try to forget how you were just passed up for that promotion down at the steel mill.  And I’m also guessing you kids aren’t too shy around the ladies, y’know, cause of the whole “scampering around with my ass and balls hanging out” thing you’ve got going.  So why are you all alcoholics?  I’ll let it slide though, because the thought of a little capuchin running around with a tiny monkey-sized jug of moonshine makes me giggle.

 

 

Anyways, if that video isn’t proof that we descended from monkeys, then I’ll be a monkey’s uncle.  Which actually doesn’t really make sense, since if we descended from monkeys I’d actually be a monkey’s nephew, or at the very least second cousin once removed.

 

As always, if YOU have a mediocre fight you’d like to see contact us any way your little heart desires.  Leave a comment here, tweet us @MediocreFight, find us on Facebook, shoot us an e-mail at The Mediocre Fight, or be some kind of awesome animal who likes to get drunk.  Like a bear.  I want to see a belligerent, drunk bear.

 


May 2 2011

Mediocre Fight of the Day: America vs Osama bin Laden

The Mediocre Fight

Wow, this is a day that I never really thought we’d see.  Not because I didn’t think we could catch Osama, but because I wasn’t even sure he was still alive.  But, as reported last night, Osama bin Laden is now officially dead, almost a decade after the attacks on 9/11.  Fittingly, I received word that he was dead while we were in the middle of watching “The Killing.”  Not surprisingly, Twitter was blowing up all last night with news and commentary about this historic event, such as this tweet from Paris Hilton: “Back in LA. Can’t wait to get home to my pets. I miss my babies.”  Truer words have never been spoken in less than 140 characters.  Thank you, Paris.

After years of political cartoons depicting bin Laden hanging out in squalid conditions in a dank cave, he’s killed in a mansion down the street from a police station.  *slaps forehead*  Hopefully this will at least bring some modicum of justice to those who lost friends and loved ones at the hands of this man.

We’d also like to recognize Joe Biden’s part in this effort, as he led the strike force and killed Osama with is bare hands.  What’s that?  Oh, it was a highly trained CIA strike force?  So Biden didn’t have anything to do with it at all?  … I guess that makes more sense.  Sorry.

 

 

As always, if YOU have a mediocre fight you’d like to see contact us any way your little heart desires.  Leave a comment here, tweet us @MediocreFight, find us on Facebook, shoot us an e-mail at The Mediocre Fight, or try to fuck with America.

 


Apr 28 2011

Mediocre Fight of the Day: You vs Not Being Awesome

The Mediocre Fight

If you’re here reading this right now, chances are you are a friend of ours, related to one of us, or somehow stumbled upon this website while searching for an analysis of the lyrics to Rebecca Black’s song Friday (seriously, that’s still the most common search term bringing people to our website… I feel somehow dirty about this). The mere fact you’re here is pretty awesome, and we really appreciate your readership. But more importantly, it likely means you’re one of the fantastic people who is helping to back our album, the fundraising goal for which we have officially SURPASSED!!! So, THANK YOU.

As a tribute to you, today’s mediocre fight of the day is You vs Not Being Awesome. Winner: you. Yeah, you’re awesome. We [less than sign] [number 3] you.

 

 

As always, if YOU have a mediocre fight you’d like to see contact us any way your little heart desires.  Leave a comment here, tweet us @MediocreFight, find us on Facebook, shoot us an e-mail at The Mediocre Fight, or just be your all around awesome self.

 


Apr 27 2011

Mediocre Fight of the Day: Beyonce vs Santa Claus

The Mediocre Fight

Alright, so here’s the background on where the hell this mediocre fight is coming from.  Beyonce was supposed to have a videogame called Starpower: Beyonce, which was being developed by Gate Five.  The game didn’t get made, and now the developer is suing Beyonce.  However, TMZ decided to get a little sensationalist with their headline which reads “Beyonce Accused of Destroying Christmas for 70 People.” The gist of the whole thing is she supposedly asked for more money which then led to the game not being made and 70 people being laid off before Christmas.  Now the company is suing for $6.7 million that they invested in the game, and another $100 million in what they figure are lost profits.

Now I’m a huge nerd, so I’m fairly ridiculously up to date with videogame news (yes, I heard about this through a gaming news site and not entertainment news site *pushes glasses back up on nose*).  Which means if I literally have heard nothing about this game up until now, not even an announcement, there probably wasn’t much hype behind it.  I actually haven’t even heard of Gate Five before, nor can I find them on the interwebs.  So the fact that they’re suing for $100 million in profits, not just revenue, is pretty laughable.  This game would have to sell several million copies to make that kind of a profit.

Also, my guess is this was actually a prank.  Somebody probably called up the company and played Destiny’s Child’s “Bills Bills Bills” into the phone:

“can you pay my bills
can you pay my telephone bills
can you pay my automo’bills
then maybe we can chill
I don’t think you do
so you and me are through”

So yeah, I could see how they thought she was asking for more money, and then breached her contract.  It’s all just a big misunderstanding!  Also, ‘automo’bills’? Really?

 

As always, if YOU have a mediocre fight you’d like to see contact us any way your little heart desires.  Leave a comment here, tweet us @MediocreFight, find us on Facebook, shoot us an e-mail at The Mediocre Fight, or sue a pop-star for imaginary profits.