What’s the deal, monkeys? You already fling your poop anywhere you please, you’re always naked, and I’m pretty sure you don’t need to try to forget how you were just passed up for that promotion down at the steel mill. And I’m also guessing you kids aren’t too shy around the ladies, y’know, cause of the whole “scampering around with my ass and balls hanging out” thing you’ve got going. So why are you all alcoholics? I’ll let it slide though, because the thought of a little capuchin running around with a tiny monkey-sized jug of moonshine makes me giggle.
Anyways, if that video isn’t proof that we descended from monkeys, then I’ll be a monkey’s uncle. Which actually doesn’t really make sense, since if we descended from monkeys I’d actually be a monkey’s nephew, or at the very least second cousin once removed.
As always, if YOU have a mediocre fight you’d like to see contact us any way your little heart desires. Leave a comment here, tweet us @MediocreFight, find us on Facebook, shoot us an e-mail at The Mediocre Fight, or be some kind of awesome animal who likes to get drunk. Like a bear. I want to see a belligerent, drunk bear.
Since quite a few of you fine folks out there are waking up with an intense hangover after St. Patrick’s Day, wondering “Why do I have a wizard’s staff in my room?”, today’s mediocre fight is Alcohol vs Memory. And as a little bit of cosmic synchronicity, the FedEx guy just dropped off a new case of wine for me. Woot!
Now it turns out that alcohol doesn’t really make you LOSE memories, but it keeps them from actually being recorded. It’s kind of like your brain is a little bookworm holed up in your skull with a legal notepad, diligently recording everything he sees. Then Alcohol comes along and he’s like “Frank you pussy, let’s paaartyyy!!!!” (Yes, my brain is named Frank for the purpose of this story). Frank’s all like “But Al, I gotta keep track of all of this stuff!!! It could be important!” So Al says “That sucks man, because Darla really wanted you to come party.” ”Really? Darla said that?” ”Yeah, but if you gotta write stuff down…” ”Well, maybe just one shot…” Shortly thereafter his little legal pad is completely forgotten. Until he simultaneously pees and vomits on it later that night, this ruining all hope of recording any memories for the night. Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s how scientists would describe alcohol-related memory loss.
Also, since I fact-check all of these posts, while researching this I ran across an absolutely astounding study that indicates that college students can be at risk for blacking out. I wonder how much funding they got for that, and if it was just an excuse to get sorority girls drunk. And I’ve also come to the realization that the best research studies are the ones that end a sentence with “despite being extremely intoxicated by the end of the study.”
As always, if YOU have a mediocre fight you’d like to see contact us any way your little heart desires. Leave a comment here, tweet us @MediocreFight, find us on Facebook, shoot us an e-mail at The Mediocre Fight, or…. wait, what was I saying?
HAHAHAHAHAHA HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!!!!1!! For all you single people out there today, this one’s for you. Good luck not blacking out. I have a date with two ladies tonight to drink heavily, and you know, that just sounds super to me. For all you people with significant others out there – Fuck You. Fuck You very much.
Haha, just kidding. I’m not bitter. Or drunk. Promise.
Hugs and hearts!!!!!
Seriously though, fuck you.
As always, if you have a mediocre fight you’d like to see contact us any way your little heart desires. Leave a comment here, tweet us @MediocreFight, find us on Facebook, shoot us an e-mail at The Mediocre Fight, or pass us notes during 5th period geometry. That class is boooooring.