Okay, seriously, when I said yesterday that the Mediocre Fights I was doing today were going to be mediocre, I was not kidding. The first MF we have today is Bagel Holes vs Cream Cheese. Yeah, that’s right. This one definitely belongs firmly in the “White People Problems” category. Apologies to Julie for talking about white creamy things again.
So today’s fight refers to the black hole of spread that is the hole in the middle of a bagel. No matter how carefully you’re spreading the cream cheese or sandwich topping, you’re going to get way more spread in that freaking little hole than you want. Then you’re either going to have a giant gob of cream cheese sneak attack your hand while you’re eating, or you’re going to end up with a giant mouthful of surprise cream cheese. Sandwiches fare no better – you might think you’re clever and start with a flat base of cheese or meat, but whatever condiment you add on top is going to migrate directly to the middle of the bagel, and boom, condiment explosion.
On another note, I’d like to take a moment to write an open letter to food manufacturers.
Dear Food Manufacturers,
Settle the fuck down. Yes, we understand you’re trying to find new ways to get our money as consumers, but this is getting ridiculous. Salmon Cream Cheese?
What is the point of this? Now I love bagels and lox, but I actually use lox. What, is this for someone who loves salmon so much that the salmon alone isn’t enough salmon-y flavor? Or is this for people who want it to taste like they have salmon, but don’t want to buy salmon? That’s ridiculous. Like I said I love bagels with cream cheese and salmon, but bagels with salmon cream cheese is an abomination. Please stop, go back to your good food, and just continue to make it good.
Alright now that that’s out of the way, here’s your mediocre fight. And not gonna lie, the entire time I was writing this I was shaking my head thinking “I can’t believe I’m writing about this.” But instead of doing what a real write would do and go back to the drawing board, I slapped this shit up on the internet! Enjoy!
As always, if YOU have a mediocre fight you’d like to see contact us any way your little heart desires. Leave a comment here, tweet us @MediocreFight, find us on Facebook, shoot us an e-mail at The Mediocre Fight, or find a way to always make a bagel where the hole in the middle is too tiny for toppings to get trapped. Please.