Well it’s one of the two times in the year that people decide to make a resolution/sacrifice. Today is Lent, and for you non-Christians out there, that means it’s the start of 40 days where they have to give up something to make up for all of the debauchery that occurred on Fat Tuesday. What is Fat Tuesday? It’s the day of celebration before you have to make a sacrifice for 40 days. Yeah, it’s one of those “chicken or the egg” things but it ends up with a bunch of fatties drinking until they black out and then feeling bad about it for a little over a month.
You know, it also really says something about Americans when for both New Year’s and Lent, the vast majority of the resolutions have to do with food. I’d like to see more resolutions like “I want to win more at life.” Or a Lentsolution like “I’m going to give up not dating supermodels. I can’t deprive them of the joy of my company any longer!” And I’m sure Charlie Sheen’s resolution was something like “To challenge myself, I’m going to go batshit crazy and make money off the insanity.” Or if he wasn’t coherent at that point already it was probably just “Winning! Warlock! I put on my robe and wizard hat!” And for those of you that get that reference – you can be my friend.
And remember kids - Rhinoceroses don’t play games. They fucking charge your ass.
As always, if you have a mediocre fight you’d like to see contact us any way your little heart desires. Leave a comment here, tweet us @MediocreFight, find us on Facebook, shoot us an e-mail at The Mediocre Fight, or message us in 1992 in an AOL chat room.
This is day 2 in our multi-day Sheen series of Mediocre Fights. I have no idea how long this will actually last, I don’t have time to plan ahead since I’m so busy winning.
Speaking of winning, let’s go over some things that are, and are not, winning:
Is Winning: Starring in “the biggest hit comedy in the past decade.” On a show that had absolutely no business ever carrying that title.
Is Not Winning: Being fired from said hit comedy for shooting your mouth off.
Is Winning: Curing Cancer.
Is Not Winning: Getting a million Twitter followers in a day because people like watching train wrecks.
Is Winning: Getting engaged to Kelly Preston.
Is Not Winning: Kelly Preston breaking off your engagement because you accidentally shot her in the arm.
Is Winning: Bears.
Is Not Winning: Bears on Cocaine.
Is Winning: Winning an Oscar.
Is Not Winning: Being known as the drug addict who loves hookers. Although while it’s not “Winning,” it’s not that out of the ordinary when you work in Hollywood.
Which brings us to the Mediocre Fight of the Day: “Winning” vs Winning
As always, if you have a mediocre fight you’d like to see contact us any way your little heart desires. Leave a comment here, tweet us @MediocreFight, find us on Facebook, shoot us an e-mail at The Mediocre Fight, or rent a sky-writer to write in the sky. Pretty self-explanatory.
This will have to tide you over until I have a chance to make a real mediocre fight. But, I’m also going out for a Bottomless Mimosa brunch, followed shortly thereafter with a trip to a BBQ place that sells malt liquor in paper bags. So, since I’ll be keepin things classy all afternoon it might be a little while before I actually get around to any internet-based productivity… which definitely sounds like an oxymoron.
Anyways it came to my attention that we’re always telling you fine folks about mediocre fights, but never what to do if you find yourself in one. Worry no more – we now having a winning tip for you: When they aren’t looking… Punch ‘em in the neck.